You may have noticed that I haven’t been writing much lately. I have plenty of material for What’s in that hole? but haven’t written any of it up or posted it. I’ve also been up to some interesting things this summer, but the only thing I wrote about was my trip to Belize, and that was two months ago. And, maybe most noticeably, I haven’t written anything on a truly personal level since… actually I don’t remember. (Edit: turns out it was this post five months ago.)
But enough is enough. I promised to write not just when things are good, but also when things are tough. So, without further ado, I am going to have a go at writing something personal.
Why I’ve avoided writing this
I’ll start by noting that when I asked myself why I’ve avoided this for months, the first answer that cropped up was that I didn’t feel like I had anything to say.
There’s a problem with this answer though – I never have anything to say when I start writing. Rather, I have loads of thoughts spinning in my head and I write as a way of sorting them out. Writing, for me, is useful for the process, much more so than the result. (Although hopefully the result is useful/interesting to at least some of you out there!)
So clearly there’s been something else at play that’s caused the hiatus. And, after months of deliberation and wracking my brain trying to figure out what it is, I’ve finally come to the answer…
(Drumroll)
Depression.
Why it took me so long to understand
If you know me or have read previous posts, you probably saw that one coming. I’ve tried to be open about my depression since my hospitalization in February 2015. But, despite the fact that it may be obvious to you, and despite the fact that (in theory) I’m a pretty bright person, it took me months to realize, and then acknowledge, that depression was slowly but surely re-seizing control of my brain.
As I write this, I’m beginning to understand why it took me months to find this answer. It’s quite obvious now that I simply didn’t want to find it.
This spring, I had reached a level of contentment with myself and my life that I hadn’t experienced since middle school, or maybe earlier. Things were going SO WELL. So when things started slipping, I didn’t want to acknowledge to myself, or others, that this was happening. I wanted to keep pretending everything was good.
Side note: my depression doesn’t tend to affect my work output; it affects me almost exclusively on a more personal level. If anything, work provides a distraction from the pain I feel, so when I’m doing poorly emotionally I actually become more productive. For this reason, it’s quite easy for me to pretend that everything’s good. As far as people around me can see, it is.
So anyway, I kept myself busy, distracting myself from the reality. When I’d get home, I’d watch Netflix all evening until I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore, leaving no times of silence in which I might accidentally start feeling things.
Obviously, this was a mistake. Things need to be felt, whether they’re bad or good. But since I had been feeling so much good a few months ago, feeling bad felt like I had failed. In turn, feeling like I failed made me disappointed in myself, so the cycle continued its downward spiral.
What I’m doing about it
Fortunately, by some small miracle, I’ve managed to start turning it all back around (with the help of many friends, my psychologist, and my psychiatrist).
In the past two weeks, I’ve made some changes. I’m trying to slow down a bit. To feel things. To cry. To open up to friends and myself and acknowledge what’s going on in my head, rather than ignore or avoid it. To be easier on myself.
I’ve also restarted one of my medications (I’d been off all depression-related medication since January), I’ve been working on mindfulness and meditation, I’ve been turning off Netflix, and I’ve been spending more time outdoors.
I’ve developed a plan for pursuing something that will get me out of my comfort zone and give me more of a challenge than the part-time teaching I’m currently doing (though I’ll keep the details to myself for now). Don’t get me wrong; I love teaching. But, as nice as my current pace of life has been, and as useful as I’ve found the extra time for introspection and personal projects, I’ve begun to feel an internal drive to do more, and to push myself again, as I have for most of my life.
And, lo and behold, the combination of all these efforts is starting to work. My mind has stopped racing, and I’m feeling much more at peace with my life. I even got myself to sit down, tune everything else out, and write this rambling bit of prose.
Moving forward
There’s some more good news. With the past two weeks of introspection, I’ve come to understand some of the various factors that contributed to my depression. And fortunately, one of these is now in my past (let’s just say I’ve never had to involve the police during a final exam before).
Several other, more personal factors are still at play, and among these are a couple of things I can’t control or change. But, I don’t need to wait for these to resolve themselves before I work to make myself better. By identifying the factors that have contributed to my depression and their effects on my mental health, I can at least work on my reaction to them so that they don’t push me back into the depths of depression (this is where the mindfulness stuff comes in).
So here I go, heading uphill again, climbing out of that dark hole that is depression. If you can, I’d love if you’d help by giving me a little push.
Thanks in advance 🙂
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